What I was meant to be...

I was meant to carry him in my body for 9 months. Giving him a place to grow and develop while wrapped in love. He was meant to fit perfectly inside me; close to my heart while he became the little human he is today.

I was meant to deliver him and then nourish him with this same body. Through me he flourished and for me it was the most amazing experience of bonding and purpose that I have ever felt.

I was meant to watch him while he eats, sleeps, plays, babbles, laughs, cries and everything else he will do in his life, because everything he does gives me the most intense pleasure and satisfaction.

I was meant to comfort and soothe. My shoulder was meant to cradle his little head as I rock him asleep and my hip was meant to support his growing self.

I was meant to lose sleep and gain gray hair as I worry and delight in his upbringing.

I was meant to care for him with every fiber of my being. The late nights and dirty diapers are of no concern because for him my love is unconditional and limitless. The selfish person I was does not exist where he is concerned, except for my selfish desire to spend as much time as possible with him.

I was meant to be tested and challenged. The experience of having a child will and has trumped all other experiences of my life and I revel in it. It is the hardest, most worrisome, anxiety-inducing experience yet I cannot image or even remember life before him. It is as if the love I have to offer to the world is infinite because of that little boy.

I was meant to be a mother.

A long week but feeling refreshed...

Although this week was only four days long it felt like it is taking forever. I started out the week on a bad note. I had the first of (I am sure) many difficult mornings. Thuglet was so unhappy. I have no idea what was bothering him, but he was unhappy from the moment he woke up till I dropped him at the sitter's. It is so hard to get ready for work when your little one is crying and fussing. The more he cried the more anxious I became. Needless to say, the start of the day was very rough which pretty much carried through until the end.

Thankfully, each day of the week has gotten progressively better. And today I realized that I have so much to be thankful for. To be happy about. It is wrong to be upset by situations that are so trivial in the big scheme of things. We all have the right to complain about our lives regardless of the circumstances. But I really need to curb the complaining. Life is good!

I have a Husby who is now sleeping in Thuglet room because he wants to play an active role in his nighttime activities and give me a chance to regain a bit of my sanity.

I have Thuglet, who besides not sleeping ever, is a very happy boy. He is adorable, funny, sweet and so amazing. He is already starting to crawl/scoot around. He is laughing. He is so cuddly.

A little blurry but the perfect example of my happy little Thuglet.

I saw a picture of someone's closet on facebook and right then realized I was so lucky to have a amazing closet and beautiful home. There are so many things we want to upgrade, but it is so nice to have a house on a nice street with a big yard.

I have a good job with a lot of time off. I have the opportunity to see my family more often than most. I got to spend 9 straight weeks with my little dude this summer. I get to spend time with him in the morning and evenings. Although I feel discontented about my job I know it allows me time with those I love most.

I have a great mom who loves my beautiful Thuglet so much. She watches him two days a week and does the dishes while she is at it. She is giving me a whole month's worth of birthday presents because this month I turn 30. She is selfless and generous. I couldn't ask for a better mom.

There is so much more but it feels nice to start my list and be thankful.

Back in the saddle again...

I have made over 30 interactive quilts for various babies and families.  Thuglet loves the one he has been using since birth. I am happy to say those little quilts really hold up to the daily use of a baby. Spit up and weekly washings and that little blanket is still going strong! It has taken over 6 months but I have finally made Thuglet his own interactive baby quilt. I changed the design a little bit to make it work with his name.

Creating the flaps

Love the polka dots

Just finished the quilting

Sewing the binding on.

It was so exciting to go the Rosie's and pick out fabric for his personal quilt. For my little man's quilt I went with the ninjas, bicycles, pirates and owls. Under the G is a giraffe, the R is a robot, the E is an elephant, the A is an anchor and the T is a train. All so cute and so boyish!!  Thuglet loves oil cloth and minkie so I doubled up on those for his textured fabrics. Even the back is cute, a combo of ninjas and bikes!

I was excited to get back in the saddle again. My sewing machine was getting dusty and feeling neglected. It took about 6 hours, but the finished product was worth it. He loves his new quilt and I love being able to make things for my lovely boy. It sits in his crib and I love how he rubs his face on it and scratches to feel the different textures.

Thuglet and his new quilt

And it begins again!

My 9th year of teaching began last week and I cannot believe that it has been almost a decade since I began. 9 years and I still don't know how I feel about the whole profession. I know I am meant to do something more and I know that teaching is a noble profession, but I have lost my drive.

Each year I feel more and more upset about being intellectual stagnant. I never realized how important it was for me to use my mind, to learn new things, to challenge myself. But as I continue a job that begins and ends every year the exact same way I understand my intense need for change and challenge.

What to do though? How to change my life in a real way when this job is consistent and necessary. Husby and I share a mortgage, a son and a life that will drastically change without my income. So how do I go about taking care of my family and being true to myself? How do I keep my mind sharp?

I guess it all starts with a plan. So now I start the process of my new path...

6 Month Breakdown

Thuglet will be 6 months old tomorrow! 6 months...a very merry half birthday to him!

After 6 months of motherhood I feel like I am finally getting the hang out it. I know what he wants when he gets upset. I can tell when he is sleepy or hungry. I can make him smile like no one else can.

It is fabulous. But this post isn't about the joys of motherhood. This is about all the crap that accompanies motherhood that is conveniently left out during discussions of motherhood.

Such as me...where did I go? I am not me anymore. I am some weird morphed version of myself. I knew having a child would change me, but sometimes I feel unrecognizable.

Is it the lack of sleep? No wonder people can use sleep deprivation as a form of torture...it is. I can feel myself slipping away the more sleep I miss out on. I have never been sleep deprived before and I hate it.

I hate getting up several times during the night. 

I hate not being able to finish my sentences because I can't remember what I was saying. 

I hate that I find items in random spots around the house not remembering how they ended up there (a case of canned refried beans were found in the fridge after I put the groceries away). 

I hate even when I have time to sleep my mind is so wound up it is hard to find my way to Sleepy Town.

Bottom line...sleep deprivation sucks.

The parts of my life I once held dear are hibernating.

I canceled my gym membership a month ago and it was as though I let a part of myself go. I didn't realize how much I identified myself with the gym.

My quilting has suffered tremendously, which is to be expected. However, just in the last week I have finally started sewing again. It has felt great!

I used to cook and bake with the best of them. Now it is hard to find the time or the motivation.

My body is still not back to what it was. The muscle control and elasticity of my girly region hasn't returned. You gotta love leaking a little pee here and there when you laugh, sneeze, cough or whatever triggers it. Good times!

It only makes it harder to deal with when I look at Husby's life and it barely seems affected by the arrival of our child. He still does all of those things he used to do or so it seems. I know things have changed for him too, but not nearly as drastically.

I know that one day I will feel more like myself even though motherhood has permanently changed me (for the better I believe), but it is hard to wait for one day. Despite all my bitching and moaning, I love that little 6 month old more than I ever thought possible and wouldn't ever to go back to not being a mom.

2 Weeks Left

How is it possible that I only have 2 weeks left of summer break?

This summer has gone by so quickly. Thuglet and I have been spending so much time together I know it is going to be hard to go back to work and only see him for part of the day.

I have definitely not done as much as I wanted, but with a small child I didn't have high expectations. Despite my lack of production I was able to spend so much time with my little man. He is amazing and I have loved all the moments of this summer with him. He has developed so much this summer.
He is eating solids now.

He is getting up on his hands and knees and rocking back and forth. He loves Baby Signing Time.

He is laughing more. He is so inquisitive and focused.
He is so cute with his blue eyes and cleft chin.

His hair is growing in tufts and they get bed head.
He loves to be naked.

He takes great pictures.