Such as me...where did I go? I am not me anymore. I am some weird morphed version of myself. I knew having a child would change me, but sometimes I feel unrecognizable.
Is it the lack of sleep? No wonder people can use sleep deprivation as a form of torture...it is. I can feel myself slipping away the more sleep I miss out on. I have never been sleep deprived before and I hate it.
I hate getting up several times during the night.
I hate not being able to finish my sentences because I can't remember what I was saying.
I hate that I find items in random spots around the house not remembering how they ended up there (a case of canned refried beans were found in the fridge after I put the groceries away).
I hate even when I have time to sleep my mind is so wound up it is hard to find my way to Sleepy Town.
Bottom line...sleep deprivation sucks.
I canceled my gym membership a month ago and it was as though I let a part of myself go. I didn't realize how much I identified myself with the gym.
My quilting has suffered tremendously, which is to be expected. However, just in the last week I have finally started sewing again. It has felt great!
My body is still not back to what it was. The muscle control and elasticity of my girly region hasn't returned. You gotta love leaking a little pee here and there when you laugh, sneeze, cough or whatever triggers it. Good times!
It only makes it harder to deal with when I look at Husby's life and it barely seems affected by the arrival of our child. He still does all of those things he used to do or so it seems. I know things have changed for him too, but not nearly as drastically.
I know that one day I will feel more like myself even though motherhood has permanently changed me (for the better I believe), but it is hard to wait for one day. Despite all my bitching and moaning, I love that little 6 month old more than I ever thought possible and wouldn't ever to go back to not being a mom.
So true. Remember, life has it's seasons and you will soon have your spring awakening or reawakening. Yours will definitely happen sooner than mine! By your second child, you will be a pro at handling life changes and self validation. Your validation needs to come from within sometimes. Triumphs can be small ventures like, I organized a cupboard today, I wore lingere once last week and felt like a bodacious babe, I walked 1 mile this week, etc. After a while you will be a master at validating yourself and juggling all else, but like all other masters of masterpieces, masterpieces of all forms take time. Be patient with yourself (oh, and your husband too.) And don't compare yourself to other women who have older. more independent children or stay at home mothers, they have their trials too, and many don't reveal the deep and dirty, unless asked.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement. This too shall pass...is what I keep telling myself and I know I will look back one day and miss it all. It is good to hear that others go through the same things and to know that there are people out there for support. I guess now I get to see how different it will be when there is two!
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